It’s windy today, the first day that I can feel winter on the edge of the weather, that tinge of raw coldness that marks the depths of the winter season. The weather started last night, wind battering my windows, the draft coming through the poorly fitting sashes. Window open, fan off–I wanted to hear the wildness right out my window.
This year has been one of immense upheaval for me. A breakup kicked off the year, early in February, weeks before Valentine’s Day. My ex was done with the relationship, what felt like long before I was. The last year we spent together made me feel unwanted and unloved, physical touch a thing that no longer happened, conversations stopped, interests no longer shared. We were both treading water, even though we proclaimed we were each other’s favorite person. After the breakup, I had the solid sense the ex wanted nothing to do with me: no friendship, no occasional check-in. I didn’t know what to do with that. I still don’t know what to do with it.
The move followed two weeks later. Home and family suddenly gone, suddenly finding myself adrift, unmoored. A quick dive into dating, only to emerge six weeks later knowing that I wasn’t ready, but immensely thankful to know that I wasn’t unlovable or undesirable as I felt the previous year and a half. Meeting new friends, trying things I hadn’t done before, pushing my boundaries, finding my stakes in the ground. Moving into this new existence. These months have taught me that I can hold on to things too tightly, hold on to some people too long, let go of others maybe too easily.
I’ve always been a contemplative and thoughtful person. I ponder about living a life that is true to ourselves, while also managing the beauty and pain of being human. Why did past relationships (romantic or not) end? How have my current relationships lasted as long or been so meaningful? How do I honor what I desire with what others desire or need? How do I be happy? What does happy actually look like? Is it a state of being? A sense of security and confidence? Who am I?
This year, I’m learning to let go of who I was, what my old values were. The dreams and wishes I had included another person, and now they don’t. I am still trying to understand what the relationship taught me, but in the intervening months between then and now, I’ve been broken open. I have learned much about myself. Who I was is most certainly not who I am. I’m creating a new map for myself. I’m looking forward to all I get to learn and experience with this new me. I’m navigating this lovely, heart-breaking midlife crisis of mine.